just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
