So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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