we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
