remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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