from now on my penis is your penis
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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