I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
