Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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