I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I checked into jail on foursquare
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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