Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do you still have your period?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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