maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
