my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i am craving dick and cupcakes
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
