So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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