Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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