i came on her dog
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
