she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
