it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
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This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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