Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize