It's like God shit irony all over that family
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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