one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
