So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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