i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
