The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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