Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize