Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
