So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
