Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
