Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
