I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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