Who wears a wallet chain?!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
