I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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