I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
