If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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