It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
