I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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