wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
