This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
