May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
