i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
