I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
