You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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