Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize