soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
don't judge my taste in strippers
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
