I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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