My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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