so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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