Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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