Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
