on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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