The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
