It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
