oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
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You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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