Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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