Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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