I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
