Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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